What Men Don't Know About Women

Women do not love weddings. We think wedding invitations are bills written in calligraphy.

We have to "adjust" our private parts, too. Sometimes our nipples get out of orbit and we look like a Picasso painting.

Women don't take forever to pee. It's other chicks who make us wait. We have absolutely no idea what we're doing in there, and we look at one another in the bathroom line like, What the hell? Then, to keep ourselves occupied, we play with one another's boobs.

Don't try to figure us out. We don't even understand ourselves. Just think of us as a complex carbohydrate that's good for you.

There are two spots on women that need to be touched more: the back of the neck and the lower back. Fireworks.

Go for the girl who can eat a proper meal. If she's passionate about food, you'll most likely be fortunate in other venues.

Don't paint a nasty picture of your exes. We'll justifiably wonder what made you stay in those heinous situations in the first place.

On the other hand, don't paint too glowing of a picture or we'll wonder how you ever could have messed it up. It's a fine line. We'll try to make it worth your while.

Sometimes we think we really understand men. Then we regain consciousness.

Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.

You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You're welcome.

If you tell us that playing Halo 2 improves the dexterity of your fingers, you'd better be able to prove it.

Sometimes, we want a back rub to be just a back rub.

If you ask me out directly, I will say yes